


and i wonder if i ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time.

by crooked_theory



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Eventual Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-03-13 07:00:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18935809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crooked_theory/pseuds/crooked_theory
Summary: there’s no warning when one day they realize that they already deep into each other.





	and i wonder if i ever cross your mind, for me it happens all the time.

it's without warning when one morning mingyu comes from behind him, reaches for the cereal on the cupboard above him, easily picks up the blue box of that newest popular brand their manager had stocked there just yesterday. it's without warning when jeonghan suddenly engulfed in a shadow before arrival of the solid, warm chest and mingyu's tall tall body completely towering his smaller one like an enormous cloud covering a whole town in a cartoon movie. it's without warning when mingyu's cheek brushes the side of jeonghan’s head, the taller boy’s jawline slightly messes his still bed-hair, completely ignoring his personal space, with a hoarse 'morning hyung' and more of chest muscles bump to his own back. it's without warning when it's started but it feels even faster when it's end.

jeonghan halts his carton of milk in the air for a second after the intrusion, a little bit wobbly but quickly regains some composure shortly after the loss of the slight pressure on his back. nags a little while pouring the milk to his glass, ‘i almost spill the milk kim mingyu, for god’s sake’ and lets out his infamous heavy sigh before brings his glass to the table, joining the taller boy. mingyu grins at him, which jeonghan translates it as sorry-but-not-really, then the younger boy proceed to opens the cereal box from his opposite seat, arms flexing to open the aluminum package. fortunately, it’s successful in one try without making a mess.

it’s not every day jeonghan finds the younger boy in eighth floor, or perhaps it’s him that isn’t updated with their food stocks and whereabouts unlike mingyu. jeonghan leans across the table and starts picking the colorful cereal on mingyu’s bowl. the latter throws him a look but he doesn’t stop, he chews one, then another, it indeed tastes good that’s why it goes viral. few moments later mingyu catches his hand, ‘that’s it, no more,’ stops him from eating more and starts pouring milk to his bowl. 

mingyu eats his breakfast in a record time but he never once look not enjoying his meal. he can eat a lot in a lightning speed and still managed to make anything looks appetizing. jeonghan knows, still, he mutters ‘slow down’ automatically when one of mingyu’s cheek looks too stuffed. how could you stuff all that things to your mouth when it seems still full anyway, no one wants to choke a cereal while most of the other dorm occupants are either still asleep in this sunday morning or maybe already gone for practice. mingyu raises his eyebrows as a sign he’s listening but then he brings the bowl up to gulp the remaining milk. jeonghan snickers. he goes up to the fridge and tell him it’s almost nine or he’ll be late for his mc gig, mingyu replies his yeses and puts his bowl to the sink, bids him farewell and runs to his own dorm floor.

-:-

it’s without warning when one night at their dance studio jeonghan brushes his arms to mingyu’s back, making a slight mistake as this is their newest choreography, ‘sorry’ the older boy says quickly and mingyu shrugs it away, it’s a complex move anyway. it’s without warning when mingyu catches jeonghan’s eyes when jeonghan turns around for his part in front of him, mouth opening a little from breathing and sweats dripping around the forehead. it’s without warning when right after the song ends, jeonghan leans his head on mingyu’s shoulder and he smells like warm milk and freshly baked-pie, mingyu suddenly feels hungry. it's without warning when it's started but it feels even faster when it's end.

mingyu plops down onto the studio’s floor and lays his head on piles of previously thrown jackets. bodies starts collapsing around him. their newest song, fourty-eight hours in practice room to perfect their dance movement. it’s almost midnight and its not going to end soon. maybe in two hours, or more. mingyu hears, not sees, seungkwan and dino start some playful banter and other members going back and forth to the door. mingyu's closing his eyes, he might sleep soon like this. but then a ‘mingyu’ and he opens his one eye to see jeonghan tries to lift his head from the jackets-pillow. ‘it’s mine,’ the older boy says and mingyu feels fingers below his head and neck, slightly cold. he shift a little for the older boy to get the jacket easier and gets a closer look of him. jeonghan looks tired but still very beautiful close up like this. to be fair, they're all good looking, but jeonghan's like the prettiest human mingyu has ever seen that the older boy looks unreal sometimes. the jackets-pillow now feels less pillowy and the cold fingers now's gone but the scent hits back. vanilla. ‘hyung, i’m hungry,’ mingyu says out of nowhere, eyes closing as he hears jeonghan’s tired voice, ‘you already ate topokki before.’

jeonghan already walks away when mingyu rubs his stomach, wondering why he craves sweet treats just suddenly. yes, he ate topokki just before the practice but it was quick bite in the back of practice room from wonwoo’s takeaway which he only permitted for one fork bite. he doesn’t even remember eating them until jeonghan mentioned it, he doesn’t even think someone aware at that trivial thing, like how could you notice anything that doesn’t concern yourself in a room full of people enough to make a soccer team.

when the break time is over, some members come back to the practice room. buzzing and refreshed, all gathering the remaining soul for the sake of their flawless and polished choreography. mingyu sits up when hoshi announces to line up and get ready, after emptying his water bottle to tame his raging stomach.

-:-

it’s without warning when jeonghan finds mingyu asleep on the bed in the sixth floor dorm’s living room with hoodie and shoes still on, lying on his stomach and snoring a little. it’s without warning when jeonghan meets his sleepy eyes after s.coups waking up the younger boy and telling him to move to his own room. it’s without warning when the only words mingyu says afterwards are directed to him, ‘hyung, why are you here?’ in his sleepy voice, sleepy eyes still looking at him gently before finally walking away unsteadily without waiting for answer.

jeonghan goes to dokyeom’s room afterwards, one of his stuff he bought through online shop apparently mixed in the delivery and sent to sixth floor. he always forget to get it back and he finally remember to take it just before he went to his floor. trust dokyeom to be too nice to comply when jeonghan texted him he wants to get his stuff at this hour, when all you want to do after practice is sleeping through the sunrise. he too, wanting none than sleep because this new choreography is killing him. his muscles are getting sore, he says to dokyeom and the younger laughs, saying that he and s.coups are too old for the dance routine. jeonghan kicks his leg playfully in reply, conveying his thanks and wishing the younger a goodnight sleep as he goes out. he absent-mindedly walks on sixth floor corridor, eyes drawn to mingyu and woozi’s shared room for a while before he walks to the stairs.

he meets one of their manager on the stairs, the man looks a little bit startled maybe because he thought all the kids are already in their room. why are you still here, go have some rest, the man scolds him, half asleep-half angry. perhaps it’s the nature of the job when you have too many kids to deal in one hand when the sun hasn’t even rise yet. jeonghan okays dutifully, asks where is he going and the manager says that he need to wake mingyu up for morning schedule. jeonghan doesn’t recall a schedule except their group schedule and thinks how little sleep mingyu, and belatedly, seungkwan gets for their own schedule. 

on his dorm, jeonghan catches a glimpse of seungkwan already brushing his teeth, another solo schedule. he tells him he’d get a coffee coupon for him once he pass the bathroom, seungkwan yells his thanks and tells him to get one for mingyu too and jeonghan says sure he will. 

-:-

it’s without warning when mingyu finds a coffee coupon on his kakaotalk later that day from jeonghan, it’s not uncommon, they sent each other coupon all the time to show supports. it’s without warning when jeonghan texts him _have strength_ and a row of heart emojis. now that’s uncommon. once in a blue moon. but mingyu quickly replies his text and from then a convo starts and it’s entertaining that he don’t want to put his phone down. it’s without warning when the song in the background of the photoshoot is jeonghan and joshua’s duet, his mood is good he can’t stop humming. 

the photoshoot went smoothly and now mingyu is waiting for the next set. he loves it, this job. so far his solo magazine photoshoot promising a good sale numbers and people are praising him. he loves the reaction he gained but he honestly thinks he like it better when thirteen of them is together, it look the coolest, group photo that is. mingyu's currently taking photo of the set, when one of the photographer asking him if he want to check the result. sure! he answers excitedly. it’s never disappointing, the set, the theme, creative thoughts behind the concept, working with professional photographers expanding his knowledge about this hobby he begin to love.

mingyu thanks the photographer, then asks about the camera he's using for the photoshoot and it somehow becomes a serious conversation about photography. at one point they discuss the camera specification, then their inspirations, the muse, which make mingyu stops and thinks for a while. maybe he has hundreds of photographs as for now, never a consistent subject as he started as hobbyist and just bring his camera around and captures whatever he think is beautiful. he don’t think he has one, muse or whatever, mingyu shrugs. the photographer oohs, then asks him how often does he take portraits of people in the rain. never, mingyu answers, because no one wants to be outside when it’s raining. but you can create some incredible images and your skill can develop faster, the photographer says again, having someone who understands what you’re trying to do helps you a lot- someone who's willing to play in the rain despite getting wet, worst case scenario you’ll have a funny story and memory of it.

mingyu listens and thinks even deeper, forehead crinkles which makes the photographer laughs, tells him not to stress over this because whatever it is, professional or hobbyist, it’s a try and fail, a constant learn and practice, muse or without. they discuss a little bit more but then the next set is ready and in the back of his mind mingyu keeps on thinking of one person. 

-:-

it’s without warning when jeonghan finds unread messages on his kakaotalk from mingyu, ever since he sent him a coffee coupon, sometimes the younger boy would text him. it’s without warning when he’s secretly waiting for the younger boy's text. they’ve been a very good distraction from the exhaustion of preparation of their upcoming comeback, from their busy meeting with management, song recording, mv shooting and so on. sometimes mingyu sent him memes, or funny screen-capture from their old variety show, or his favorite fansite pictures. like one day when mingyu shared a photo of them sitting next to each other from fansign, _finally i found one haha,_ the text says, _it’s so difficult to find both of us in one photo_. with rows of silly emoji and jeonghan saved the picture within a second. it’s without warning when jeonghan unconsciously smiles every time there’s message waiting for him from mingyu.

jeonghan puts his phone back to his pocket, after seeing a meme mingyu just sent. the younger boy first sent it privately to him, then few seconds later sent the same picture to their group chat. jeonghan smiles. he’s currently cycling with seungkwan on their break time in a late afternoon, to the park jeonghan found from internet. the park is a public facility of high end apartment complex near han river, with small maze garden and rabbit farm, quite far from their dormitory. mostly mothers and small children are here, not a crowded pack of youngsters. so it's perfect for them to cycling or exercise or just hang around without any disturbance. 

he and seungkwan opens the wooden gate to the small rabbit farm. there's around ten or eleven rabbits hopping around in the grass. seungkwan captures everything on his phone excitedly, he also takes a photo of jeonghan when he feed a white, fat rabbit. the younger then send the picture to their group chat with silly caption jeonghani-hyung-feeding-a-rabbit. he looks strange like that, he tells seungkwan, crouching with arms extended holding a piece of carrot for small white rabbit. seungkwan disagrees, nah, you look pretty hyung, and continues to take photo of the rabbit. minutes later, seungkwan reads aloud the replies and exclaims that everyone want to see the rabbit too. jeonghan checks on his own phone after a while. it’s indeed, excited messages coming from bunch of boys in their twenties telling they want to play with fluffy animal. what a surprise. jeonghan realizes that he actually waits for one particular person’s reply but it doesn’t come even until he and seungkwan cycling back to the dorm. jeonghan sighs and feels a little bit sour but he can’t explain why. 

jeonghan lays on his bed, he has less than an hour before they need to go for practice. he met another team of dancer earlier and they asked about how his dance progress is going. unfortunately, he took it too personally due to his mood swing. it makes him beat himself and keeps on thinking how he's slower than everyone in remembering the choreography. making his mood even sour. sighing, he plays with his phone, scrolling down kakaotalk and scowling at the small '12' under his last comment on seungkwan’s candid photo of him. most of them commented on the photo, even jun and the8 which still on their way from china. some of them didn't. _mingyu didn’t_. jeonghan then closes the group chat and opens the private message thread, types _where are you_ and mingyu answers almost instantly, _dorm._ jeonghan sighs, doesn’t know why he feels like he wants to throw his phone to the wall.

mingyu texts him back _why?_ and jeonghan actually slides his phone a little hard on the floor, until it bumps onto leg chair. sighing to his pillow, he gets sulky, but this time it’s unexplainable. he tries to close his eyes and decides to sleep for a minute.

except that it’s not a minute. someone knocking on his door repeatedly and he wakes up unfocused. glances at the clock on the nightstand, he should’ve been in dance studio by forty minutes ago. he goes to his door and finds vernon standing there, asking if he’s alright. apparently, vernon just comes back from his parent’s home and the other members told him to go to the dorm first and look out for him since he didn’t answer his phone.

he tells vernon that he’s okay, that it’s just a mild headache from waking up too abruptly, then asks the younger to wait for him so they can go to the practice room together. vernon looking at him a little bit worried, you can just rest hyung, the younger says but jeonghan declines. his dance is still imperfect and more than anyone, he’s the one that needs more time to remember the dance move. jeonghan grabs his bag and picks up his discarded phone on the floor, remembering how it got there in the first place. the unwanted anger comes back and he put his phone to his bag without turning on the screen.

vernon stops in a convenience store to buy snack and drink on the way to their studio, and since jeonghan skipped dinner, he too, takes two bottles of strawberry milk and kimbap from the row. he’s about to pay both of his and vernon’s mount of snacks when he hears the younger receives a phone call from mingyu behind him, hyung, hmm, yeah i’m with jeonghan hyung, we’re on the way, hmm hmm, then hangs up shortly. just then, the cashier lady asks whether he has membership card and jeonghan goes _huh, what_ , and he belatedly realizes that he’s frozen for a moment. he quickly gives his card and pays for his and vernon's food. 

-:-

it's without warning when mingyu finds his phone fill with notification from group chat. something about rabbit, he's skimming the screen without really pay attention. his mind wandering to his broken camera, his clumsy ass just can’t live without breaking something. it’s without warning when he accidentally opens the group chat because new notification keeps coming while he was searching for the nearest repair center for his camera brand on his phone. he finds out that more than half of the group were swooning over fluffy animals seungkwan shared in their group chat. pictures of white, brown and black rabbits. then a short video of hopping rabbit, seungkwan and jeonghan's voice in the background. mingyu stuns momentarily and scrolls up and stops at the very first picture seungkwan sent. a picture of jeonghan feeding a white rabbit in some park, in natural lightning of sunset, green grass, one two people walking on concrete in the far background. it’s without warning when when he feels a little twist in his stomach, like a rush of weird, unknown feeling suddenly tickling him from inside. 

now completely forgets about his camera, mingyu keep looking at the picture. sure, it would be far better if the image was a little bit more focused, balanced more horizontally, and more lightning to the ground area. but he strangely don't mind about it, the composition, third rules, anything. it's just perfect for him, there's the strange thing. he absent-mindedly wipes his phone screen with his thumb, unconsciously keeping his display on by doing that. not really analyzing, just staring at the picture. jeonghan, as focal point, is smiling. although not to the camera and the picture's a little unfocused, but he know that the older boy looked at his most beautiful when he was candidly taken like this. it's breathtaking. 

just then, jeonghan suddenly texts him, asks him his whereabouts and mingyu is taken aback, a little bit panic as if jeonghan actually can see him and caught him doing something wrong. he quickly replies without second thought and when jeonghan doesn't reply again, he closes the picture and draws his attention back to his forgotten camera.

-:-

it's without warning when jeonghan bumps into mingyu the first time he opens the door to the studio. the taller boy is alert and stiff as if he is seeing a ghost. it's without warning when jeonghan notices the sweat that runs through the younger boy's shirt. other members has started earlier since he's late. it's without warning when after seeing him, mingyu just walks past him and doesn't say a word, although he wonders what kind of small talk they could be in one since they're all on a tight schedule, next week is their first week of comeback. it's without warning when an unknown feeling mix with something like anger seeps out through his gritted teeth every time he glances at mingyu. it's without warning when those expectation of comeback, the needs to catch up his dance movement and, _perhaps_ , mingyu, bubble up on his head and making him very sensitive that night. 

jeonghan heaves a sigh, hands on his knees, looking at his own reflection on the mirror. this is his third time checking his own dance with hoshi on the corner of the studio. when the song is finished, hoshi claps aloud, cheers him and tells him he’s doing good with the choreography already. the younger pats his shoulder and leaves him alone to go to the other side of the studio where all other members are resting there. jeonghan strangely doesn’t want to do or talk about unrelated things other than perfecting his dance move so he just walks outside the studio.

jeonghan winces a little, body aches from the exertion of dance practice. his legs feels like jelly after long hours of dancing, so he walks a little slower while wiping his sweat with a small towel hanging on his head. he goes through the back exit of the building, planning to rest on the bench outside and just enjoying night’s air, no one would be there at this hour. he stops at the vending machine just beside the bench and suddenly thinking of drinking something. luckily, there's some money in his training pants. he's currently considering between milk soda or lime water, when someone coming from behind him and swiftly pressing a button for cold energy drink. firm muscle bumps to his back, head too close making the towel on his hair falls and they're bump cheek to cheek. all too familiar to recognize, too clear to reminisce. jeonghan freezes at his spot. suddenly invaded by mingyu's presence. his stomach churns which completely unrelated to his tiredness.

‘sorry, that’s supposed to be yours,’ a tired, soft whisper, then a blue bottle of energy drink clangs, comes out from the machine and mingyu inserts his own money and the buttons is blinking again.

jeonghan snaps out of his frozen state and settles for a milk soda quickly. realizing mingyu still standing beside him, slightly touching his back, waiting for him to take his drink. jeonghan walks away from the taller boy then plops himself on the bench after his own milk soda can is out. mingyu follows suit. they drink in silence. or precisely, jeonghan doesn't feel like talking. he's still has this weird feeling he can't put in words, after all. honestly, even though they aren't awkward with each other, most of the time they weren't each other's option to spend a time off with. living in different floor, having different taste and preferences and with too many members around, it's like compilation of bad songs that makes them never really hang out together with only two of them. lately, they only meet on the studio. or text. and, just as other members said, they're too different. these facts too, suddenly makes jeonghan even more pissed he doesn't know why.

'where's the park, hyung?' mingyu suddenly turns his head to him and jeonghan thinks for a while, _what park_ , but then he remembers. 'the one with rabbit farms?' he asks and mingyu nods. he notices how the younger boy looks a little bit flustered, maybe exhaustion from the dance practice.

'why are you asking?' jeonghan doesn't mean to sound harsh, but a childish part of him wants to scream to mingyu's face, wants to say aloud, _you didn't seem interested in the group chat, you didn't say anything, you didn't reply anything, you can read where the park is in the group chat_ , and maybe punches the taller boy a little afterwards. jeonghan doesn't even know where those thoughts are from, or why does he even think about those trivial things.

mingyu looks a little bit confused, eyebrows furrow, 'why are you angry?' and jeonghan snaps, 'why do you care?'

jeonghan knows it's unfair to mingyu if he's doing this. but he's not in the mood to talk. perhaps he needs to go away from there and clear his head quickly. standing up, jeonghan looking at half-shocked, half-confused mingyu, 'i can't be here,' he mutters, but then back sitting again in a matter of second, 'no. you go, not me, this is my place first,' he says stubbornly. 

when mingyu slowly asks if he's okay, eyes full of concern, jeonghan punches him in the arm. 

-:-

it's without warning when jeonghan shoves him away, quite, and at the same time, not literally. it's without warning when the older boy burst out angrily at him and leave him confused and a little bit hurt. it's without warning when another argumentation broke, unwanted and out of sudden, that mingyu raises his voice and jeonghan too. arguing. it's without warning when mingyu feels frustrated out of nowhere. 

'i don't get it!’ mingyu shouts, 'i'm just asking, nicely, why do you need to be asshole about it?' then jeonghan rolls his eyes, arms crossing, 'which part of me being asshole, _you asshole_ , i told you to just fucking read in the group chat!' mingyu eyeing him, throwing both hands in the air, _unbelievable_ , 'you can just tell me now, hyung!' but jeonghan is stubborn, 'you can just read in your damn phone!'

then they go to another round of absurd argumentation, before this it's about who got to leave and stay in the bench, then it's about the older boy's punch and how he's being a baby about such light punch, afterwards it's mingyu being a lazy ass for not checking his phone and jeonghan being a dick for not tell him directly, and it's keep repeating, until s.coups appears in the back door. telling them it's midnight and the others are all tired and they need to settle this-whatever-the-hell their problem is, very, very soon or there'll be a hell of punishment waiting for them both. 

mingyu gulps at that. s.coups can be very scary and intimidating if he wants to and they both know very well that trying to test his patience were never a wise decision. mingyu glances at jeonghan and notices the tired expression all over his face. jeonghan sighs and says to s.coups that it's not a big thing, then mutters an apology and suddenly mingyu feels guilty, he too, was part of the problem. he quickly says that he's sorry too, that it's not all jeonghan's fault. then they taking turn to talk to their leader that they were wrong, that they're sorry again, for making a fuss in the middle of the night. s.coups scowls, but then he exhales a long sigh, anger seeps out of his pores. he nods at their apologies and tells them to hug it out.

mingyu goes to jeonghan but the latter is standing still, body suddenly looks tense, eyes looking at everywhere but him. like he'd do anything other than hug him. mingyu's a little bit hurt at that, but he keeps going and opening his arms to hug jeonghan. jeonghan still doesn't look at his eye, but the older boy is making a slow motion to open his own crossing arms and turns his body to him.

he engulfs the older boy in a hug, there's this feeling of relief when jeonghan finally is in his embrace, it feels like melted, jeonghan's no longer tense and just hugs him back. and because of their height difference, jeonghan seems even smaller. arms link behind mingyu's back, face buried on his collarbones. it even feels a little bit _clingy_. the older boy still smells like vanilla and mingyu strokes his hair, unconsciously sniffs the back of jeonghan's neck, making the older boy shifts a little but hugs him even tighter. it's strange that hugging him like this making his anger from earlier dissolved.

s.coups coughs awkwardly after few moments and they break the hug. _almost_. both of them still tangles in each other mostly. the leader mumbles something about how he thought it'd be more like a pat on the shoulder and less a pda. mingyu blushes a little, he pretends not to see how jeonghan seems also a little bit flustered at that.

when s.coups finally walks back inside the building, jeonghan’s fingers still latching on the back of his shirt and his own arm's still on jeonghan’s shoulder. mingyu hesitates, then removes his hand slowly from jeonghan, half of him actually doesn’t want to let him go, but he doesn’t want jeonghan to feel uncomfortable. their eyes meet, no more anger, just exhaustion. jeonghan also letting his shirt go, like the older boy realizes it a bit too late. then suddenly the air becomes a little awkward, although it’s not unwelcome. 

mingyu then hears jeonghan mutters ‘sorry' in a small, tired voice. telling him that he doesn't know why he got angry, that he’s very sensitive and tired and how the upcoming comeback is making him anxious. mingyu shakes his head, telling him it’s okay, that he understand, that he forgives him, and he apologizes too. mingyu doesn’t like arguing, moreover with jeonghan. but he doesn’t tell him that. 

jeonghan smiles a little and mingyu almost forget what he wants to ask jeonghan in the first place, ‘hyung, do you want to be my model?’

-:-

it’s without warning when mingyu asked him to go with him, for his personal photography project. jeonghan remembers word by word, how the younger boy wanted him to be his model and how he loved the rabbit-candid picture so much, face a little bit flustered while he was saying that. it's without warning when one day, few days before their comeback press conference, mingyu tells him that he had borrowed the company car for them. it’s without warning when jeonghan feels a little bit nervous but excited at the same time. 

jeonghan quite actually taken aback at first, although he's flattered, still, ‘we’ll be busy,’ he answered, in doubt about their schedules and comeback. mingyu then told him ‘before we get busy’ and jeonghan just couldn't say no to that. they decided to go on the only free time they have before comeback, six hours free time after lunch time, right after mingyu got one of his camera fixed from repair center.

they actually don't have schedule until after dinner, but jeonghan found another place he wants to go to, one hour drive from seoul, so they changed the destination. mingyu's driving while jeonghan's navigating, and they arrive earlier than expected. the place is even more beautiful than the photos. it's a river stream, lined with cherry blossoms and down lower on the other side of the stream is the flower garden. the cherry blossoms are over their blooming season but the buckwheat flowers are currently blooming. they can see the white flowerbeds bloom from afar. mingyu parks the car on the empty spot and excitedly brings his camera out. 

the place is calm and quiet. the row of cherry blossoms are covering them from sunlight, shady and cool in early summer. the buckwheat flowerbeds looks like soft cotton flowing in the air. it’s all so idyllic. even if they don't do anything, it's lovely just to be here. jeonghan walks slowly, taking a break for a while from their hectic preparation for comeback in this place is the best decision. 

jeonghan turns around and finds mingyu already taking photos of him, 'you already started? why didn't you say anything?’ mingyu smiles, 'just do whatever hyung, pretend i'm not here.'

it’s easier said than done, jeonghan is no strangers to photoshoot, but there's always a guidance to everything, what should you do and act. now that he doesn't have script he's just wandering around. 'talk to me,' he says and mingyu asks, 'are you feeling better?'

jeonghan tries to hide his smile, but the photo won't turn out good if he does so he just walking around happily, 'i am. this place is great.' then he walks down to the sea of buckwheat flowers, covered up to his thigh. he also wants to take photo with his own phone but mingyu says no, so he whines a long 'why?' and mingyu swiftly takes his phone, 'ok i'll take it for you, don't pout like that.' jeonghan smirks and then crouches down, smiles over a bunch of flowers. he looks up to mingyu, laughing at the taller boy when their eyes meet, mingyu seems to freeze for a moment and forget what he's doing, then clumsily juggling between jeonghan's phone and his camera. 

they manage to take a lot of photos, mingyu seems very satisfied that he can't stop smiling, canines out. jeonghan checks his own phone gallery, the pictures are good, they are all him. so he pulls mingyu’s arm and leans his head on his shoulder, takes picture of them together with his phone front camera and mingyu needs one, two seconds before he no longer looks too surprised.

after a good fifty minutes, they sit on the small garden bench under cherry blossom tree. the photos are good, the place is making everything even more beautiful, but mingyu’s repeated _'here's my favorite’_ every time he’s showing him the pictures he likes making jeonghan gets this kind of twirl in his stomach. ' _this one is so pretty_ ,’ ‘ _this too_ ,' ' _this is so stunning_.' jeonghan knows it's about the whole picture and not him in particular, but he can't help but feels giddy about it. 

he leans to mingyu's arm after a while, a little bit sleepy and light from the peaceful surrounding. at first, mingyu's right arm feels a little bit stiff, tensed, but it loosened after a while. it's not like jeonghan think about how the younger boy works out a lot and becomes buff in a matter of months. no, he's not. _maybe_. but he is certain that it's not a bad pillow. mingyu smells like a pear, with a sheer of sandalwood and musk. it's a refreshing, fruity scent with discreet masculine tones. it just suit mingyu so much and jeonghan feels even more comfortable he might fall asleep soon. 

-:-

it's without warning when jeonghan leans his head on his upper arm. it feels light though, not a heavy, sudden weight, but instead something that just fits there. it's without warning when mingyu brushes his lips on the older boy's hair when he talks about one picture. he swears to himself it was accidental, it's not like he thinks about jeonghan's soft hair and how it looks so soft blowing by the winds. no, he's not. _maybe_. it's without warning when his heart palpitates when jeonghan slips his hand to arm-hug him, head never leaving his biceps. it's without warning when the sweet scent is invading mingyu's senses again. now that they're sitting really close and slightly longer than previous times, mingyu can exactly pinpoint that jeonghan's fragrance is a mix of vanilla and light floral with a hint of cinnamon. it’s divine, sweet smelling, yet spicy at the same time. even now mingyu feels a little drunk from the pleasant scent, he tries his best to keep his head clear.

mingyu tries to divert his attention back to his camera again. the pictures turn out really good. it's his best shot so far, he loves the place and how jeonghan seems so perfectly fit with the background. the older boy wears white oversized shirt, one down unbuttoned, light blue jeans, hair a little bit ruffled from the soft wind. as cheesy as it sounds, but he looks like an actual angel in the sea of flowers. jeonghan looks otherworldly beautiful. so ethereal. mingyu has lost count at how many times the older boy is taking his breath away today. he might've slipped more than once, how he repeatedly gushes at how pretty the picture turned out to be. when in honesty, all he's thinking about is how pretty _the model_ is. but jeonghan doesn't need to know that. 

maybe because of the light breeze or just the exhaustion of their comeback preparation, jeonghan falls asleep in his arm. mingyu tries his best to stay still in order to not wake up the older boy. they actually planned to go back as soon as it finished but he strangely wants to spend more time here. they might rarely going outside only with just the two of them, but when it's actually happens, it somehow unveils another side of him he never knew about. 

maybe they're mostly on opposite side of preferences, but there's this something that just clicks. rather than north and south pole, it's like they're a mirror, similar but very different at the same time. he can't really explain why, but there were moments when he looked at the older boy in the eye and he knew instantly what's going on in his head. it was never proven though, but they shared the same sentiments most of the time. it's just people tend to look at their contrast when underneath perhaps it's actually more similar than they thought. he loves being with people, jeonghan is not an exception. it's just that there were too many of them, choice of people to spend the day together with mostly are the ones sitting next to him in the car that day or who played game together last night.

their emotional range is what makes them even more similar, _different_. but similar. jeonghan is sensitive and mingyu tends to overlook small things. they don't match at bad times. but mingyu is trying his best to understand jeonghan, what he likes, what makes him mad and he knows jeonghan also working on that. 

although there's this small part of him that afraid of rejection too. jeonghan is older than him, mingyu bounds to respect him, obey him. as he’s younger in age, he’s expected to behave well at the same time he wants them to have fun like same-age friend. it's more complicated than simple. that's why he really cherishes moment like this, when jeonghan is being off guard and just being with him without thinking of anything else. 

his camera is suddenly beeping, mingyu thinks of changing the battery but jeonghan's still sleeping soundly and he doesn't want to wake him up, so he just browse and zooms the pictures. something in the way jeonghan smiles is making him smiles too. it's not that the real reason of this whole photoshoot isn't about sharping his skill, but perhaps getting hundred of jeonghan's pictures are part of his plan too. 

mingyu can feel pain starts to grow in his muscle but he holds it, an idea pops out. he aligned his almost-low battery camera on some weird angles and tries his best to capture the sleeping face, using only one hand. hoping it wouldn't waking up the older boy and he feels very proud of himself when he successfully takes it. but he holds his breath once he presses preview button. _it's so lovely_ , he lost at word. he first planned to blackmail the older boy, if he somehow finds a way to do it, but the thought's gone out the window once he see how angelic jeonghan's sleeping face is. and out of nowhere, he strangely doesn't want other people to see it, strangely wants to keep him like this only for himself. _his muse_.

-:-

it’s without warning when their new album sales exceeds the number of their previous releases by far and they trended as the most anticipated comeback among the other group that debuted on the same year. they try to always put rookie mindset, it’s really meaningful to all of them to finally got into this stage of recognition. it’s without warning when their group and individual schedule now also doubled the time from their last comeback. they enjoy every second of it although they barely got any sleep. it’s without warning when they start to miss one-two persons because of personal schedule, like they never flew separately before, but now sometimes some members fly later than the others. they always make time to gather on meaningful time like the member's birthday though, they easily miss each other. thankfully, their group chat is never quiet.

jeonghan is currently playing game wonwoo had recommended to him while waiting for their plane to board, they're on the way to go to japan for recording. he's about to finish the first stage of the game when he hears s.coups finished checking attendance, it's only twelve of them today, minus mingyu. last time it was only ten of them. jeonghan glances at his watch and thinks how mingyu would take the last flight alone and will be arrived in the middle of the night later.

once they arrived in tokyo few hours later, jeonghan turns his phone on and it beeps at new notifications. one from mingyu in the group chat. the younger boy sent them a photo of him alone in the airport, pouting, with caption how he doesn't like being alone in the latest flight. the replies come and mostly they playfully make fun of him that he's not alone _alone_ , he has manager flying with him and if he's alone who's gonna fly the plane, and more funnier things that might sound a little bit cruel but that's the way they're showing love sometimes. some of them reply with safe flight and sleep while you can, and jeonghan settles for picking his small typo and copy-paste it three times.

mingyu's reply to him is only one crying emoji, but it makes jeonghan chuckle at his phone and replies him back with a red heart emoji, then mingyu replies him again with a blushing face emoji. until joshua tells them to stop flirting in group chat. 

jeonghan tries not to smile over that, but he got this funny feeling in his stomach, similar when after thirteen of them successfully finishing their first day of fanmeeting, mingyu is standing tall beside him, waving to their fans. when their fingers are slightly touching. his tummy is ticklish in the strangest way that it's not hunger or nervous. it's weird, but it makes him smile a lot lately.

the next day, mingyu takes his hand and intertwines their fingers. two times. not that he count them down or anything. the younger boy's grip is firm but it's not hurtful. it's gentle and warm and somehow it doesn't feel as clumsy as he first thought. jeonghan feels a leap in his stomach but now he ignores it. the hand holding last long, then longer, first until they turn around, second it's until they walk back to the backstage. he wishes mingyu wouldn't let go of his hand and jeonghan doesn't know why he thinks like that.

-:-

it's without warning when they got news that their overseas concerts tickets are all soldout. it's without warning when the script of their live program is becoming less than one page but they managed to broadcast until more than one hour. it's without warning that their name is secured for year end award nomination. how they're all even more capable to self-produce by heart, explore what they love to do, their hobby and interest, show the best of them in everything.

mingyu applause first, then the rest of them follows. it's their newest mv screening, wonwoo had directed the whole thing and the result isn't disappointing. they sit in circle in one of their company's screening room, surrounding a table towards a big screen, taking turn in saying their commentary and the atmosphere is all light and happy. it's been a while the thirteen of them are sitting together to brainstorm. in between their hectic schedule, it's just so reassuring to sit and have a talk together.

it's almost a complete circle of commentary and it's finally jeonghan's turn when mingyu's suddenly get all silent. the older boy is sitting across him, a stack of books and a projector between them. jeonghan, through the tiny dust particles of the projector light, looks radiant in his new silverish hair. _ethereal_. delicate, like he's made of stardust. it's another simple but otherworldly view of him and mingyu's unconsciously holding his breath for about a minute or so. 

when jeonghan is talking, it feels like slow motion and mingyu gapes a little. but when it's ended, it seems too fast that he blinks in comical way, wishing there's a button to replay the whole thing so he can capture and print a photograph out of it. then he just suddenly remembers about hundred of jeonghan's unedited photos in his laptop. he's actually working on it when he has time but it's always a hopeless case of being too engrossed in zooming in the picture rather than actually doing some editing. he snaps back to reality when another member starts talking and jeonghan might caught him staring for too long. the older boy spares him a glance and mingyu looks everywhere but him. he might or might not seeing jeonghan smiles to the ground for a second.

-:-

it's without warning when dokyeom suddenly told him that mingyu's still in the screening room, like it's an important piece of information jeonghan need to hear. they just finished making drinks after the mv screening, it's already past midnight. he's a little bit stunned at the sudden knowledge and when he snaps back to reality, dokyeom already attached to hoshi on their way to the front door. it's without warning when something jeonghan cannot comprehend is convincing him to walk back to the screening room and he can see mingyu's back from the door. the younger boy looks focused and not even aware at him coming. it's without warning when his stomach stirs just suddenly and jeonghan wonders why it only happens if it's about mingyu. it's without warning when all sleeps suddenly gone from his eyes. he actually has free time until their practice in the morning, and the best option is, usually, undisturbed slumber through the night. jeonghan doesn't know why. 

he enters the screening room, mingyu still doesn't hear him. now wonders what the younger boy is currently focusing on. jeonghan walks closer and then he can actually see himself, _his picture,_ precisely, on the laptop screen. in the middle of flower field taken a little more than two months ago. it's currently being edited on some program. jeonghan's stomach somersaults and he pulls a chair closest to him. mingyu turns around in surprise, eyes big and round. it seems that he wants to cover his screen but it's too late. it's amusing though, like a deer caught in a headlight and jeonghan chuckles.

'editing my picture?' jeonghan plops onto the chair after dragging it to be slightly behind mingyu and leans himself to the younger boy. mingyu's back is warm and sleepiness hits him again. mingyu's nervous 'yes' is making him smile but jeonghan is focusing on the picture instead. on the screen, it's him lying on the white flowerbeds, eyes closing. jeonghan remembers this particular shoot's backstory, mingyu was taking the photo from above him and jeonghan was afraid that he would drop his camera to his face.

mingyu's currently doing something with the picture, he shows him the preview and it's interesting that it's different for each one. one picture is now in all shades of blue, another one in grainy black and white. another in natural pastel and another in retro vintage. some of them are wider than the other, taken using fish eye, and another is cinematic as mingyu captured his movement perfectly.

'how could you make it like this?' jeonghan asks in awe, moving the cursor while still leaning to mingyu. he doesn't know why his heart is clenches suddenly, how mingyu seems really put some thought of those pictures. 'it's the program, it helps a lot,' the younger boy shrugs. jeonghan shakes his head, 'honestly? it's better than my teaser picture' and mingyu laughs. they browse through the pictures and says what they like and dislike on each particular edit. they need to do this again, find someplace beautiful, jeonghan says, there's a lot of undiscovered garden and park, we can go there and take a lot of pictures, and mingyu nods excitedly, next time, hyung, i promise, another theme.

jeonghan then asks him, what's the theme for these pictures and mingyu seems a little bashful, 'flower, angel. flower angel?' his answer sounds more like a question than statement. jeonghan smiles, 'it's beautiful, i don't know how to say it, dreamy?' 

but mingyu mutters in a low voice, more to himself, 'no, it's you,' and jeonghan thinks he misheard it. 'me? what about me?' jeonghan sits up straight. he can see that mingyu seems a little taken aback that jeonghan is actually heard him. the younger boy hesitates, but then turns his body to face him. shoulder shaking a bit in nervousness but his voice is unwavering, 'it's you who's beautiful.' 

jeonghan feels his stomach twist, just like when mingyu hold his hand after fanmeeting few weeks ago. then he sees how mingyu's face is all red until the tip of his ears, like it's not something that he can, or would, say every day, easily. the younger boy looking at him in the eyes firmly, and jeonghan doesn't know what to do. 

he tries to avoid mingyu's eyes only to fall onto the younger boy's lips and it's not a better option. jeonghan might've squeaked a small 'thank you,' then he just suddenly realized how big mingyu are, how handsome he looks up close, and jeonghan strangely becomes so weak in the knees. the silence stretches. not uncomfortable, just unfamiliar but not unwelcome. mingyu's eyes never leaving his and jeonghan thinks that the sound his heart makes right now might be heard because it's too loud.

it's not only in his imagination when mingyu's face is slowly getting closer he can feel the younger boy's warm breath. 

jeonghan closes his eyes.

-:-

it's without warning when jeonghan coming to the room and sitting behind him, chin rested on his back, sleepy and light. it's without warning when the older boy says that they need to do this again next time, go to somewhere, someplace nice and take a lot of photos. it's without warning when mingyu has this sudden courage in himself to actually say that jeonghan is beautiful. maybe because it's already night, or maybe it's because they're alone and the photo results are great and their mood becomes good after seeing them. or maybe because jeonghan is there with him. mingyu doesn't know. 

but then jeonghan says 'thank you' in a small voice, the older boy absentmindedly bites his lower lip, a little bashful, slow and alluring. his cheeks flushed in a darker pink shade, and for the first time in years, mingyu suddenly wants to kiss him. and so he does. 

mingyu leans over, seeing how jeonghan's eyes widen from their sleepy state but they soon close as mingyu presses his lips to his. mingyu's hand goes to jeonghan's cheek, caressing. the older boy responds and fit their lips together. it's slow and smooth, like their lips is slowly dancing. jeonghan's lips feel so, so soft and taste so sweet it's driving him crazy. 

mingyu tilts his head, opens his mouth a little, causing a small gasp from jeonghan and mingyu loves how it sounds. it gets a little bit tense from there, mingyu can feel the other's tongue and it's hot and maddening, his pulse goes higher as they slowly deepen the kiss. mingyu uses all his body, gravitating towards the older boy. then a soft moan, jeonghan slightly pushes him, and mingyu tries to calm down. they're slowing the kiss, try not to cross the line. it's hard. but it's their first kiss and it's in an office room, not exactly a private place. after a while, mingyu pulls away but lets his lips lingering on jeonghan's in a chaste kiss. he can feel jeonghan smiles and mingyu have to fight this urge to just pull and hug him until they finally break away, content and lightheaded. 

mingyu holds his breath. it's not that he's been wanting to do it for a while, but if he knew that it's this _good_ he should've done it since long time ago. mingyu rests his forehead on jeonghan's. feels so light like he can fly, like he's the happiest man on earth. there seems like a fog cleared in his head. no confusion but unexplainable. something is just there, for god's know how long. 

jeonghan opens his eyes and mingyu pulls back a little, waits for the other to say something or maybe punch him in the face, but jeonghan just looking at him softly, eyes a little bit glazed, like he just wake up from a dream. reddened cheeks, and pink, glossy lips and mingyu holds himself not to plunge for another kiss. 

then a small 'oh' from jeonghan, and mingyu raises his eyebrows. 'your laptop,' the older boy continues, eyes drawn to the laptop behind him. mingyu turns around and see its screen turns dark, no battery. _he forgot to save his works_. mingyu whines loudly and jeonghan chuckles.

the older boy tells him to not forget bring the charger next time and stands up to go home. mingyu too, finally gather his laptop, packs his things and walks out of the room. everybody's now gone, the hallway is clear and dark. at the front door, jeonghan is leaning to the wall, playing with his phone. waiting for him. and mingyu suddenly forget about his laptop's mishaps. they walk together to the dorm, fingers meeting halfway. sleepy and cold and in need of some warmth and reassurance. jeonghan holds his three fingers in a gentle grip and mingyu's thumb rubs the back of his hand slowly. 

-:-

it's without warning when mingyu greets him good morning few days later, on the eighth floor kitchen. smiling, munching something jeonghan believes it belongs to jun. last time he saw the other is the night few days ago. after the mv screening, _after the kiss_. mingyu had wishing him goodnight once the elevator opened on the sixth floor, breaking their hand-holding. jeonghan had bid him goodnight too and saw the other still smiling when the elevator is closing. mingyu had different schedule the next day, and the day after and they haven't been texting lately. until this morning, when jeonghan still in his pajama and bed hair, the other is standing handsomely on the kitchen. it's without warning when out of sudden, jeonghan suddenly can't look at mingyu in the eye. his heart is beating faster, his stomach is twisting and jeonghan seriously doesn't need that as first thing happened to him in the morning. it's without warning when his brain told his feet to stop himself and turn around to go back to his room. as awkward as it looks. then lock his door afterwards. he pretends not to see how mingyu's smile is all gone. it's without warning when out of sudden, jeonghan feels afraid to see mingyu.

jeonghan leans in to his door. hoping that mingyu wouldn't come and knock or else he doesn't know what to say to face the younger boy. mingyu doesn't. and jeonghan is torn between relieved and disappointed. it's not that jeonghan doesn't want to meet him after they kissed but he doesn't know what to do now. the kiss was too impactful. _too good_. that it might change their friendship, that it can't be undone and now he cannot see mingyu the same way anymore. he can't joke around him anymore without thinking about that. and it's terrifying. 

and now that they already kissed, jeonghan can't help but keep thinking about the younger boy. about mingyu's big but gentle hand on his cheek, his scent and his perfect face. it makes him can't focus on his jobs, on his dances, and he hates himself because of it. therefore, he keeps avoiding mingyu and stays as far as possible from him. if thirteen of them have group schedule, jeonghan would just stand on the farthest, opposite side of the other. he would attach himself to dokyeom or joshua and pretend to have another thing whenever he see mingyu's getting nearer. but one thing he doesn't count is how it's actually _easy_ to avoid mingyu. the younger boy is busier than him, they live in different floor, they have a lot of members around. he doesn't count the outcomes from his avoidance, he might deliberately ignores mingyu's text and avoids him but in the same time jeonghan really wants to see a glimpse of mingyu. now he never feel any worse than this.

until one night when they finished their group schedule in one tv station, jeonghan is waiting for the rest of the vocal team while leaning back on the van. he went out earlier when the rest of the group still chatting with other artist, the manager told him that his mom is calling and since they've already done with the recording he can receive the call. he walked to parking lot absentmindedly while on call and now he's alone. he thinks about going back to the studio when he see mingyu half-running from the door to the parking lot. 

it's nowhere to run now. jeonghan's stomach stirs at the sight of the younger boy. he looks worn out, his hair's a little bit messy but still looks absolutely dashing as if he never never-handsome. the younger boy stops in front of him and looking at him softly, still not saying anything. so jeonghan huffs a sigh, 'what is it?' not looking at mingyu's eyes. mingyu asks carefully whether he did something wrong, voice a little bit hoarse. it seems that he practiced this many times. jeonghan doesn't say anything, he doesn't know the answer. no, yes, maybe. mingyu's fidgeting on his spot. the younger boy seems uneasy, hands on his trousers' pocket but still cannot stand still. ‘talk to me, tell me, whatever it is. Just- let me know?’ the younger boy says again, eyes so hopeful. 

jeonghan rubs his own arm unconsciously, still doesn't know what to say. bigger part of him wants to hug the younger boy, erase the sadness from his voice, maybe kiss him again- but he tries to ignore that part and curses himself for even thinking about _that_. jeonghan takes a deep breath, 'can we forget about it?' he asks and mingyu's shoulder drops. the younger boy seems to try to keep his calm, 'which part, when you refuse to talk to me,' he says in one breath, eyes locking to jeonghan, 'or when i kissed you?' 

a blow. jeonghan's heart racing so quickly at the mention of the kiss. it seems like mingyu read into his head and he's panicking. 'we can't do this,' he deadpans and mingyu’s voice breaking, 'do _what_ actually, hyung?' 

jeonghan doesn’t say anything but mingyu already starts again. 'you shut me out everytime i reached out to you. if you don't like me, just say it to my face. it's better than being avoided, being ignored like i'm not there,' the younger boy says and jeonghan feels something hits his chest. he's not dislike mingyu. hell, he's not dislike the kiss at all. jeonghan huffs a sigh, 'it's not about like or not. can we just move on- just don't talk about it again?' and he's blabbering now, his head isn't on the right side. he can't think clearly. mingyu's mouth is opened, looking at jeonghan as if he grows another head. 'this is what you call move on? by avoiding me? ignoring me? was it that- embarrassing- you want to erase it from your head?' and jeonghan quickly replies, voice rising, 'i told you it's not like that!'

mingyu's hands now out of his pocket, crossed on his chest, 'then what is it, hyung? i'll let you alone if you don't like me. but say it. you didn't say anything and i don't understand.' the younger boy's eyes furrowed, he demands an explanation. but the problem is, jeonghan also doesn't understand. he doesn't understand at all. why he doesn't want to see mingyu in the same time he wishes to meet him unexpectedly. jeonghan doesn't know why is that, so maybe, maybe it's better if they both can just forget. forget about that night ever happened. or maybe jeonghan just doesn't want to complicate things because his mind and heart now's a complete mess. he takes a deep breath and sighs, ‘it's just a kiss, mingyu.’ 

then mingyu's face crumples. looking half laugh-half almost cry, 'then- then you should not be as burdened as this? if it's- just- merely- a kiss. you don't need to ignore me? you don't- you don't need to run to your room everytime i went to eighth floor?'

tears threaten to fall from mingyu's eyes and jeonghan is stunned. he is saved by the sound of the members start coming to the parking lot so there's a reason for him to turn around and go to his van's door. he doesn't have the guts to see mingyu in the eye or he'll also broke down right there. one thing he understands now is that it's _not_ just a kiss. maybe, maybe there's something. an unknown piece of puzzle, something bigger, the reason that makes him actually _does_ care. because if he doesn't, he won't feel this bad. it won't be this complicated. he can't ask mingyu to move on when he himself does the opposite, keep dwelling on the thought of the kiss, avoiding him and not facing him directly. jeonghan thought it’s terrifying, how it might change them, how they can’t joke around anymore, but he himself is the one who does _exactly_ that. 

at the farthest corner in the back of his van, his heart racing at the thought. maybe he needs to stop for a while and look at himself. deep down he knows that this is him being in denial. in denial about his own feelings. jeonghan leans his head on the window, massaging his temple. it's raining when they're leaving the tv station building and it's starting to get cold in the van. he hugs himself, feeling even worse than before.

-:-

it's without warning when jeonghan avoided him, that’s three days eight hours from their kiss. jeonghan looks a little bit taken aback seeing him on the eighth floor and suddenly turns around to his room. mingyu first thinking that perhaps the other was shy about it, because he was too. it's without warning when after one week, jeonghan still didn't talk to him or reply his text. it's without warning when last week, mingyu found out that the older boy wants them to _move on_ , wants him to forget about it. that it's perhaps means nothing to him.

mingyu grunts when he suddenly remembers their conversation in the parking lot. his finger pressing the elevator button repeatedly as he can feel anger boiling in his head. the elevator to his floor doesn't move since few minutes ago and he's on tight schedule. sighing, he decides to use stairs, to run six floors down. he goes to the emergency door but when he open it, as cliche as it seems, jeonghan walks down from upper floor direction. still wearing blue pajama pants and white t-shirt, hair ruffled, looks a little bit sleepy, and just simply beautiful like that. mingyu stops at his spot, what the older boy said still as clear as day. jeonghan stops and looking at him too. they don't say a word when their eyes met, although jeonghan seems about to say something after few seconds. but mingyu supposed to be in the lobby by ten minutes ago so he runs down without second glance. 

it's weird to say, but mingyu feels he’s already past the sad phase and entering newer, angrier state. he gets sulky easily lately and he doesn't know why. maybe because jeonghan still pretend that he's not there, maybe because jeonghan can act like the kiss was never happened and leaving him miserable alone. it's devastating. when the older boy told him that _it's just a kiss_ , he was almost sure that it's a rejection. but mingyu is stubborn. he keep asking him through private messages, wishing the older boy would reply. he won’t let them end like this, running away and ignoring each other. he wants clear explanation, or until jeonghan say that he doesn't want to see him, straight to his face. mingyu sighs. he realized just recently, maybe it's a long-time subconscious crush or more, but mingyu is certain that he’s thinking about the other as more than friends. _he likes jeonghan_. and he's even more sure about that ever since they kissed. he can't _unlike_ jeonghan no matter how the older boy treat him. now he wonders whether he's stubborn or twisted.

it's when thirteen of them finished a photoshoot and goes straight to their company's building for management meeting. mingyu has solo schedule before the photoshoot and his head is in stumble, due to exhaustion and lack of sleep. he rubs his eyes many times. after the meeting ended and all staffs already out of the room, thirteen of them stay on their seats to talk about some vlive script. mingyu is tired and sleepy and just put his head on his hand the whole time. he might've snoozed for few moments and doesn't listen to what seungkwan said. he catches some words but not really able to connect them. it's few minutes later when he hears jeonghan mutters something about settle on this or that option and blabla things mingyu don't quite catch on, but the older boy is laughing along with the members and mingyu's heart is aching. jeonghan asks them about some things and mingyu scoffs loudly, can't even think anymore. 'the worst,' he sighs. aloud. the room gets all silent. mingyu doesn't know whether what he said actually make sense with what jeonghan said or asked. but he opens his eyes and see twelve pair of eyes now looking at him. jeonghan is standing, he looks like in the middle of describing something on the screen before mingyu cuts him, arms crossing. 

a 'pardon?' from the older boy and mingyu regrets this a lot. he should get more sleep while he can earlier because now his head is a mess. he stammers, ‘oh. never mind- just my op-‘, but jeonghan cuts him flatly. 'last time i checked, i didn't ask your opinion.'

seeing jeonghan doesn’t even look at him when saying that, makes his heart even more hurt. 'last time i checked, you didn't want to talk to me.'

smiles disappear on some member's face, replaced by worried glances, taking turn to look at them. it's like they sense a beginning of something unpleasant you can cut the air with a knife.

jeonghan now looking at him in the eyes, such a rare moment for this few weeks. there’s no heat or anger there, just exhaustion and another, foreign expression. mingyu rubs his face, sighing. he should've never bring personal problem on meeting. for now, he doesn't believe in his brain so it's better for him to go for a while. he gets up from his seat, the chair shifts with an annoying squeaky sound in the silent room, grabs his phone and walks out of the room.

later in the dorm, he tells s.coups that he's sorry about earlier. the leader seems more worried than angry. mingyu says he's okay, that he just lack of sleep, that he'll solve this soon. s.coups just sighs and pats his shoulder and tells him to go have some rest. 

it's late in the night when mingyu wakes up on his bed. disoriented, thirsty and a little feverish. he doesn't know what time it is but woozi is sleeping soundly on the bed beside him. he walks to the kitchen to get some water, the hall is dark and silent, must be past midnight. he hears jeonghan's voice from dokyeom's room. mingyu's been trying to ignore jeonghan's voice because it keeps appearing on his dream. 

he's currently drinking water when he hears jeonghan goes out of dokyeom's room with a weak goodnight, voice hoarse like he's been talking non stop. mingyu sighs at the realization that he just can't _not_ aware of the littlest thing about the older boy. he put his glass down and find jeonghan's already on the other side of the kitchen, looking at him, mouth a little bit opened. 

mingyu squints a little, it's dark in the kitchen and he might imagine that jeonghan's face is a little red. the older boy doesn't meet his eyes but blinks at the direction under his neck. mingyu's eyebrows furrow. he glances down and. _oh_. he must've thrown his shirt earlier before sleep and sleep only with his training pants on. 

jeonghan looks away and seems about to say something, the older boy refused to look at him a lot lately, but this time it's different. it's unmistakably because of _something else_. it's beyond mingyu's control that jeonghan's reaction making him hopeful.

mingyu walks closer to the older boy, which in clearer look, is indeed a little bit flustered. ‘hyung,’ he calls. voice's a little bit slurred, sleep hasn't gone away from his body entirely and jeonghan apparently decided to walk away without saying anything so mingyu just automatically blocks him, one hand to the wall. he takes a deep breath, jeonghan looks so beautiful no matter what hour it is, no matter how many times he saw him. ‘i'm sorry for earlier,’ he slowly says, ‘on the meeting, i lack of sleep.’ he watches jeonghan looks a little bit dazed and mingyu's feeling weird, being bigger and naked on the chest like this. one hand to the wall. jeonghan looks so small and mingyu feels a wave of rush through his body when he see jeonghan's worrying his lip. mingyu's eyes cannot leave that soft looking, thin, pink lips resulting him stuttering on his words, ‘i didn't know what i'm thinking,’ and belatedly realized it somehow applies to this situation too.

jeonghan opens his mouth but mingyu doesn't hear anything so he leans down to listen but the older boy still doesn't say anything. mingyu notices how jeonghan walks back until he hits the wall when he's getting closer. and the atmosphere is suddenly get all tense, different kind of tense. like, he can smell jeonghan's scent and his hair is tickling mingyu's nose, even time feels even slower that jeonghan’s eyes seems blinking in a slow motion. the older boy's gaze seems a little bit hazy and mingyu can clearly see how jeonghan avoids seeing his upper body, how the older boy is a little bit fidgety, how he first staring at his eyes but quickly looks away, then looks back to his lips. it's in the air and it's clear as day and mingyu is frustrated already.

mingyu goes even closer to jeonghan, then he feels a tentative finger touching his naked abdomen, soft, slow, tracing the line of his abs in a delicate manner and it's like a chain reaction when his breath hitches, eyes fluttering. it seems like electricity runs through his body. mingyu's leans down and rests his forehead to jeonghan's. the older boy looks up and they can see each other too close now. too close that if they move mere centimeters, their noses will be bumped and lips will be touched. mingyu holds his breath. jeonghan's fingers now going up, touching his chest so, so slowly it's unbearable. ‘ _hyung_ ’, he breathes. desperate. wants the fingers to stop and continue at the same time. 

it's dark but they're not really in the most hidden place. their ears perk at every small sound, but there's nothing other than each other's shallow breaths. the fingers doesn't stop, and mingyu can see the way the older boy's eyes goes to his lips again. mingyu almost can't take it. 'you still want to forget it?' he whispers and the slow tracing on his chest is suddenly stop. it stays still for a few seconds, then a slight push. jeonghan retreats his hand to himself, breaks their foreheads from touching and looks like about to go away again, so mingyu bring his other hand to the wall, completely trapping the older boy there.

it's almost exactly like a scene in a movie and his heart is racing, jeonghan is there. jeonghan's _lips_ is there. pink and slightly open and now that he once tasted it, how sweet and soft it was, mingyu is this close to losing it, if only he doesn't remember how bad the aftermath of their previous kiss had gone. 'would you avoid me again?'

jeonghan looks up at him, whispering a small 'i don’t know' that is tiny, and soft, but uncertain and mingyu's eyes falter. he backs away. put his hand down. he can't do this. not if jeonghan still won't talk to him afterwards. it's better to not do it again forever.

mingyu goes back to his room. leaving jeonghan alone. 

-:-

it's without warning when mingyu walks out of meeting room. looking so tensed, tired and angry and jeonghan is frozen for a minute on his spot until s.coups telling him to sit down. it's without warning when jeonghan can't focus and doesn't talk for the rest of meeting and how the members looking at him worriedly. it's without warning when he feels helpless at how everything seems to messed up between him and mingyu. 

joshua asks if everything okay after the meeting ended. him, joshua and s.coups are the only ones left from the meeting. jeonghan lies, yes it is. he knows joshua doesn't buy it, but the latter just massaging his shoulder because jeonghan told him earlier that he got headache and he can't think. joshua makes eye contact with s.coups who's sitting on the seat across them. usually, when 95 line are sitting together it's mostly about something their younger members had done. but this time, jeonghan knows it's about him.

s.coups just watching him with a little frown on his eyebrows. jeonghan tells the leader that it's not a fight, it's nothing serious, but s.coups shakes his head and tells him how he behaves like that because it's mingyu, and jeonghan looking at him questioningly. joshua hums in agreement, now massaging the back of his neck, adding that he only act like that to mingyu. jeonghan demands an explanation and both of them just kinda looking at each other, taking turn in saying things, similar things. that it's just there. that they're _jeonghan and mingyu_. that they have habit to push each other's button, although they make up quickly. they never crossing the line and just being in their opposite world, but nowadays it's different. different like what, jeonghan asks and joshua smiles patiently as if he's talking to a stubborn child. like they're breaking the walls, s.coups is the one answering, like they're walking out the comfort zone but still has nowhere to go. jeonghan doesn't know how to reply so he doesn't say anything. joshua pats his shoulder affectionately, agreeing to what s.coups said, saying that maybe, maybe they just don't know it yet. 

later on the night, he goes to dokyeom's room to pick up another package from their online shopping. they're currently checking and trying stuff they bought when dokyeom innocently asking him if he has a crush on mingyu. it's out of the blue and making jeonghan coughs. no, he doesn't, he answers. but he sounds weird and he can feel his face getting hot, and then dokyeom is giggling like a schoolgirl. jeonghan scowls at him and insists that he doesn't have a crush on mingyu. dokyeom shrugs, then he doesn't have to be so defensive about it, he says and it makes jeonghan realized that he's been through this similar circle. avoidance, denial. he tells dokyeom that he doesn't know why he's so weird lately and the younger tells him that maybe he needs time to talk about it, with mingyu. and jeonghan tries not to react too much at the mention of mingyu's name. they're back to their stuff and game and comic books until past midnight when jeonghan finally feels sleepy.

he's about to go back to his own floor, when he meet mingyu in the dark kitchen. handsome and half-naked and cornered him in between those arms like a scene from movies. jeonghan doesn't know what possessed him to actually touching the skin that might've appeared on his dream once or twice, _doesn't really want to know_ , because mingyu is there, bigger, warm and _half-naked._ eyes so dark and body unbearably close to him, making his heart beats faster, stomach churns and everything is blur. jeonghan knows he only need one push before he completely lost it. 

but mingyu is walking away, leaving him cold and jeonghan is deeply sad and mad at the loss of the touch. then it suddenly hits him that _he likes mingyu_. it fits. it’s the missing piece of the puzzle. the way he somehow realized his feeling is so anticlimactic it's funny. he laughs a little to himself at the same time his tears are falling. 

it's another flight to japan several days later and jeonghan is taking medicine before takeoff because his head hurts. sleep quickly taking over him, last thing he remembers is feeling a little bit cold and hugging himself while looking at the sky. when he wakes up though, he's no longer facing the window but leaning to someone's arm instead. and it's the fresh pear scent that making jeonghan completely wakes up. _mingyu_. jeonghan blinks. the younger boy's also asleep on the seat beside him, which he remembers it was dino who originally should be sitting there. mingyu's head lulled on different direction and jeonghan feels so warm suddenly, affection fills his heart, watching mingyu sleep peacefully like that. they almost arrived and just in a matter of minutes he might need to wake mingyu up, an unspoken procedure for any members sitting nearest the sleepyhead. strangely, jeonghan no longer feel heavy, no longer feel the need to just ask another member to do it. something he'd do if it were a week before. he nudges mingyu's arm slowly, then pats him. whispering that they'll be arrive soon, and mingyu is opening his eyes. when jeonghan leans back to his seat, he hears mingyu says 'thank you for waking me up' in a soft voice. jeonghan hums as his reply and looking back at the afternoon sky. 

they don't say anything much after that and just prepare for landing, until they arrived at the hotel. it’s totally unexpected when mingyu enters the room jeonghan was supposed to share with dokyeom. with backpack on one shoulder, holding the leather jacket he wear earlier on the plane and phone on his hand. the younger boy’s wearing white t-shirt that perfectly showed his muscle, jeans and sneakers. hair slid back half and a little bit ruffled. it’s sometimes unfair how dreamily handsome he is.

jeonghan must forgetting to talk for too long because mingyu is now claiming one bed when he hasn't even finished typing on his phone to ask where dokyeom is, the younger was just right behind him earlier, then jeonghan lost him before he went to elevator. as if reading his mind, mingyu tells him that dokyeom's now rooming with hoshi.

jeonghan undo the typing at that and just put his phone down to the nightstand on the other bed. he can sense mingyu's eyes keep following him so he glances at the younger boy and mingyu asks him if he’s angry. jeonghan blinks. angry for what, he asks, and mingyu rubs his hand together, for him switching roommates, he explains. jeonghan belatedly catches up again. if it were weeks before, yes, he’d probably stormed out the room already, perhaps also scolds dokyeom and refuse to see mingyu at all.

jeonghan shakes his head weakly, says that he’s not angry and he hears mingyu sighs in relieved. the younger boy then says that he wants to talk. ‘about what?’ jeonghan asks, not looking at him and mingyu answers, ‘us.’

it’s inevitable, they have to talk about it sooner or later. it’s late in the afternoon, their only free time, they’ll have rehearsal after dinner. some members already planned to go to ichiran. jeonghan doesn’t have any plan yet. mingyu too, apparently. 

'what about us?' jeonghan asks, mingyu's now walking to the nearest table and slightly leans on there. 'hyung, do you hate me?' he asks and jeonghan sighs, shaking his head, 'no, mingyu. i don't hate you,' he says, making his word clearly as possible. he always think he doesn't need to say it out loud. ‘can we just- not talking about-‘ but mingyu is already cutting him, ‘no, we need to talk about it.’

silence ensues, jeonghan doesn’t know where should they start. they’ve never been in this awkward situation, he prefers loud than this excruciating silence. ‘i don’t know where to start,’ he admits and mingyu takes that as cue to start talking. ‘i think, for first, how about you look at me in the eye?’

jeonghan _really_ doesn’t like it when mingyu suddenly makes his heart beats too fast like that, with his words, his acts. it makes him unexpectedly fidgety and his brain scrambles. ‘oh god, let’s just get this over with,’ he sighs, tries to cover the shaking in his voice, ‘what exactly do you want to say?’ jeonghan doesn’t mean to sound harsh but he’s a bit panicky here, still not looking at the younger boy. 

'ok since this will not going anywhere-' mingyu sounds a little choked, then heaves a big sigh like he’s giving up, ‘i just wanna tell you that i like you. a lot.' 

a sudden confession and jeonghan's brain short-circuits. _what_.

'i'm thinking about you more than as a friend,' mingyu states and jeonghan blinks, suddenly can't think. mingyu continues, ‘i have a crush on you, maybe for a long time already-' and jeonghan is looking at mingyu for the first time, ' _don't joke around_ ,' he warns. mingyu closes his eyes slowly, takes a deep breath, and open them again, 'i am not, i never did.' 

this isn't what jeonghan expected and it makes him unable to process anything other than denying, not believing. _him? why him?_ he avoided the younger boy for almost a month now, yet he _likes_ him? jeonghan's body tremble, mingyu should hate him, not the opposite. it's not possible. _is this a joke_. but mingyu is there, face all red. looking at him like _that_ , like jeonghan is something he treasures the most. voice soft, thin above whisper. 'you're smart, handsome, beautiful-' mingyu starts again and jeonghan raises his hand, cuts him, ‘mingyu, _stop._ ’ no, jeonghan can’t take it. his heart is beating too fast, his face is getting hotter and suddenly he wants to run and just hide. jeonghan shakes his head, talking to himself, disbelieving, 'no way. _no way._ ' 

-:-

it's without warning when mingyu finds jeonghan fast asleep on the plane. hugging himself like he's cold. mingyu feels something tugs his heartstring then his brain just goes autopilot to ask dino to switch seat with him. he then silently sitting there beside jeonghan, hoping he wouldn't wake the older boy up. jeonghan's head lulled to his arm, and mingyu reminisce the last time jeonghan sleeping on his arm, his scent and soft hair. happiness fills mingyu, light and mild and it makes him sleeping so soundly too. it's without warning when jeonghan pats his arms slowly, whispers something he doesn't quite catch on, but it makes his eyes open and the older boy looks relieved. their plane is about to landing soon and he thanks the older boy for waking him up. it's without warning when out of nowhere he overheard hoshi and dokyeom on the elevator talking from behind him, and mingyu just automatically turns around and tells dokyeom that he wants to talk to jeonghan and wonders if they can switch roommate. unexpectedly, dokyeom agrees, smiling wide and even telling him good luck. so mingyu really does pray to heaven for good luck. for them to be on good terms like before. 

at first, he just want them to talk. but he doesn’t know what else could make jeonghan looks at him in the eye and mingyu settles for that final blow that supposed to be kept hidden. besides, what worse could happened? jeonghan already refuse to talk to him this few weeks, ignoring his existence. it can’t get worse. it’s either the older boy continue the cold treatment or him getting rejected. both are killing him in the end, so why not do it. also, because probably he’d never had courage and confidence to do so in their normal situation, so he feels much better after he finally, unexpectedly confessed. _‘i am thinking about you more than as a friend.’_ there, he said it.

but the first time jeonghan looking at him in the eye is when he cuts him, not believing what he said. _’don’t joke around.‘_ the older boy mutters and although mingyu already told his heart to prepare, it’s still hurt. mingyu closes his eyes, taking a deep breath, _oh, how he wish he was joking._ ‘i am not. i never did.’

honestly, it’s not easy. the confession. he’s letting his guard down, his heart opened and prepared for perhaps the worst rejection in his life. but the older boy’s fidgeting on his spot, eyes looking everywhere but him. and mingyu feels bad. he never plan to make the other like this too, looking troubled, while keeps muttering _‘no way'_ to himself as if the confession was the most terrible thing ever. 

mingyu's heart ache, he's this close to giving up, ’hyung, if you reject me, that’s better than if you accuse me of joking. you only need to say one word and i’m gonna leave you alone,’ this whole uncertainty is going to eat him alive, so if jeonghan has to put an end for this, no matter what his answer is, so be it. 

’i didn’t accuse you anything! i’m just _saying-_ ’ jeonghan goes to another side of the room, ’it’s not possible- why-’

’what’s not possible?’

he goes to jeonghan but the older boy walks away from him, as if he doesn’t want him to get closer, and mingyu is suddenly feeling cross, ’why'd you go- you hate me that much?’

’oh for fuck’s sake!’ jeonghan shouts, ‘why are you keep saying that!’ his face all red and he looks frustrated, but mingyu is _also_ frustrated, his blood is boiling just suddenly. ‘i don’t know!’ he shouts back, ‘i’m just fucking confessing to you- and i offer you a way out! so i don’t know- maybe, say something?’

he should’ve at least see this coming. they don’t match at bad times. one would pick the smallest thing and the other would be triggered. jeonghan’s now pacing around, ‘i can’t think- i need to think-’ but mingyu doesn’t want them to go another round of vicious circle, ‘until when? another month of ignoring me? is it that hard to just- reject me?’

after a while, jeonghan still doesn’t say anything and mingyu wants to scream. he groans and walks to the door, he needs to clear his head, maybe dokyeom still wants to switch roommate after all. but jeonghan grabs his hand- only to quickly let it go again, like his hand sparks electricity. the older boy's face is unreadable. it's as if he doesn't want mingyu here at the same time he doesn't want him to go. the older boy seems hesitant to actually say it. mingyu looks at him, on the closer look, jeonghan’s state seems as bad as him, if not worse. the older boy's eyes is glazed, hair ruffled and cheeks flushed. the older boy rubs his own arm then hugs himself like he's cold, in a manner to soothe himself. and it just hit mingyu right there that _of course_ the older boy also feel confused and stressed out from all of these. from his sudden confession. he can't just asks him to answer right away, at least he need to wait. one can't warp his head over this in a matter of minute. 

so he waits.

mingyu watches how jeonghan worrying his lip, hands tremble. he then says sorry, sorry for making him like this, sorry for confessing so suddenly but jeonghan shakes his head weakly. telling him he's sorry too, then he inhales a deep breath, asks him what exactly does mingyu wants to say and it's mingyu's turn to take a deep breath.

'you don't want me to chase after you, but you don't want me to go away,’ mingyu says, voice low, ‘i have no idea what the hell do you want me to do.'

when jeonghan doesn't budge but also doesn't seem fidgeting too much and just _listens_ , mingyu continues, ‘i like you, but you don't want to hear it. you just want to pretend something never happened between us. move on by never talk to me again.’ 

there's another silence but this time mingyu actually has patience to let them absorb into jeonghan's head. he was too emotional before, but hey, they both were, and this is them trying to solve things. mingyu belatedly feels glad that jeonghan grabbed his hand earlier, prevented him from walking out. 

after a while, jeonghan is opening his arm-hug, still slightly rubbing one arm. 'us,' the older boy starts, 'it’s more complicated than you think,’ jeonghan finally says, slowly. and mingyu just loosens at how broken the older boy sounds. no matter how they shout at each other, mingyu always has this soft spot for him. ‘try me,’ he replies.

jeonghan then says in a slow, soft voice. ’you think you offered me a way out, but you should’ve just bailed yourself the first chance you got,’ the older boy takes a deep breath, voice on the verge of breaking, ‘this should’ve never happened in the first place.’ 

mingyu’s breath hitches. it’s almost sound like rejection but this is the first time jeonghan refers them as _'us'_ , so he walks closer, suddenly very sure that jeonghan wouldn’t dodge him. 'but it happened. i don’t regret it one bit,’ he says, ‘is it that difficult for you?’

jeonghan’s shoulders squared, ‘we crossed line what friends shouldn’t do,’ the older boy tensed, ‘now we can’t go back.' there's a hint of nervousness on his tone and _there_ , mingyu thinks. what the older boy actually worried about. there might also another things, but mingyu knows, this one particular reason played a big part. 

'it's scary,' the older boy whispers and mingyu's heart tugged at how fragile he looks. mingyu never thought about it before and yes, it's indeed scary. they can't go back of being good friends. they don't know what would happened to them. at first, mingyu thinks, perhaps if jeonghan didn't ignore him and they actually being cool about the kiss, maybe they can joke about it, perhaps it can be an occasional kisses with no-strings-attached kind of relationship. _but that's not what happened_. both of them think about the kiss until the point it stressed them out. jeonghan exhales, telling him that it's messing up with his head, this whole thing. that he's afraid of having them _not_ being friends again because of it. so mingyu shoots, brain goes autopilot, ‘then try to give it a shot? try to give me a chance, give _us_ a chance together, see wherever this could bring us? be with me-’ he suddenly stops, taking a deep breath, realizing what he had just said. a little overwhelmed at the impulse. he never know he has this thought of being in real relationship with jeonghan, that maybe it was there all along. now out in the open. the older boy’s looking at him with wide eyes, surprised but showing no sign of withdrawal, only a little bit worried. mingyu still doesn't find a word but jeonghan adds weakly, ‘if things doesn’t work out, we usually scream at each other and-' the older boy takes a deep breath, 'you don’t want it.’

mingyu shakes his head profusely at that. ‘i never said i don't want it. we haven’t even started.’ one thing he's very sure about, if he has chance to be together with him, he will try to think the best of the situation no matter how mad it is. the possibility of being with jeonghan is something he never know he wants, something he will fight for. ’but if it has to be happened, let that be.’ 

they stay in silence for a minute before jeonghan heaves a long sigh, ' _i hate you_.'

mingyu's stomach drops at that, it's as if he's been thrown from the top of the building to the ground. he chokes an _'oh.'_

'i hate you so much-' jeonghan whispers, 'i hate you for making me like this- i hate your voice-' and mingyu's ears perks at that sudden twist, mouth opens in disbelief. _eh?_

'-your shoulders, why would you even want to be with someone like me-' and, really, it's not mingyu's fault that he kisses jeonghan right there.

-:-

it's without warning, the confession. jeonghan had butterfly in his stomach and it still doesn't stop. everything is coming so, so quickly he can't even have a break. it's without warning, his hand just automatically reaches mingyu, body reacts faster than his brain. he doesn't want to run away again, it's killing him, it's killing _them_. it's without warning when he feels scared at the possible outcome at same time he feels safe that mingyu is there. 

jeonghan holds his arms, hoping it would calm down his nerves. thankfully, mingyu sees them, mingyu understands. mingyu is trying. _they are trying._ taking deep breaths, apologizing, talking in lower voice, and taking things slower. they sometimes forget that they could work like that. there might be scream and shout, but they can also be civil. and jeonghan feels much, much better although his heart is still beating a little bit too fast.

then mingyu is telling him, to try to give them a chance. _to be together._ and mingyu's looking at him like _that_ again, eyes so soft like clouds, and jeonghan's breath hitches, unsure, but unknowingly content at the suggestion. he still doesn't like the way his stomach seems twisting quickly and his chest gets so tight. but maybe, _maybe_ , he'll soon get used to that. not now though. ' _i hate you,_ ' he sighs. 

how mingyu's minor expression can change so much from smallest thing jeonghan said is actually amusing to see, if only there isn't so much happening in his heart right now. 

'i hate you so much,' he whispers, 'i hate you for making me like this- i hate your voice, your shoulders, why would you even want to be with someone like me-' then mingyu pulls him and kisses him hard, effectively shutting him up. 

jeonghan kisses him back. bigger part of his brain is screaming. _finally_. he doesn't know that he's unconsciously been waiting for this. to be fair, he doesn't really understand what is going on in his brain lately. but it's nice. _it's very nice_. mingyu is eager. demanding. and the kiss is whole lot different than their first kiss. it's going deep very quickly. much, much messier, and filled with urgency, as if the wait is over. as if they have been freed from an invisible jail in their head, at the same time it feels like a battle. mingyu doesn't even give a chance for them to break apart. him too. they're taking and swallowing each other's breath. like they're fighting for who's more messed up in the head, for who can hit the sensitive spot, who's gonna hurt more, who's gonna save the other first. like a proof that this is what the other will face, whether they can save or drown each other. whether they will still accept the other as they are. 

then it goes slower, the kiss. it goes wetter, more tongue. jeonghan pulls mingyu by the neck, caressing the skin and the younger boy secures him in his arm, body covering his smaller one. the force is strong until jeonghan's walk backwards, back hits the wall. mingyu doesn't stop and jeonghan is challenging him. both are stubborn and refusing to pull away first. 

but then mingyu goes even closer to him, if it's even possible. the younger boy easily lift his thigh making their bodies flush together. jeonghan gasps at the sudden, dangerous contact, and mingyu's lips left his mouth only to latch it to his jaw, then up, ‘jeonghan-’ mingyu breathes on his ear.

'shit,' jeonghan breathes heavily, unknowingly circling his arms onto mingyu's neck to bring him closer, fingers grab a handful of mingyu's hair when the younger boy sucking on his neck. it's just as clear as day, the way they can feel each other's growing desire. until jeonghan fails to muffle his voice and that's when their eyes meet, pupil dilated and dark. panting hard, 'i want you,' mingyu looking at him in the eyes, determined and unwavering, and jeonghan lost it. 

-:-

it's without warning when they realized that their bodies seem understand each other more than the spoken words. it's without warning when everything seems falls into its place, nothing can ever describe this feeling. it's without warning when it's suddenly raining outside. an afternoon rain, bittersweet, melancholic. and it's just making them want to drown in each other's warmth.

if mingyu could make a wish for time to be stopped, it would be for this moment. a small opening from the older boy, not exactly an invitation, but a door to the maze of his mind. mingyu took that chance and he kissed jeonghan without second thought. it's an unknown territory. but then jeonghan kisses him back, hard, brings him closer to the edge more than anything else can. slow, then high. like a battle of stubbornness. he lifts the older boy easily and both of them attached to each other without any space in between. fingers gripping, holding, mouths busy on the skin. and suddenly they're on the bed. mingyu follows his instinct, kissing, touching everything thoroughly. the sound the older boy makes is enough to make him lost his mind, then their shirts. and under him, jeonghan is even more beautiful. mingyu might've said that thousand times already, but it's not enough. _it's never enough_.

they kiss again for a long time. breathing in each other. then an experimental touch, lewd movement, pure and raw. lips, tongue, fingers, on everywhere. their skins are sweaty, sticky, and both of them are a mess. on their lower parts, then upper, and _just everywhere_. desire growing even thick and heavy. it might get a little bit out of control until one pulls the other, rutting, fierce. then moans, curses, nonsensical sounds, and mingyu trips over his jeans and briefs. then another kisses, bare skins, heated and wet and they're back in the game. it gets slow, slower, until mingyu dips down and kisses jeonghan's nose tip. waiting. being with him is one thing, being inside him means much more.

there are tears on jeonghan's eyes, mingyu realizes when their eyes meet in between labored breathing and sweats. mingyu asks if he's okay, should he stop, but the older boy is shutting him up and they're moving in rhythm they never knew they could do. jeonghan breathes _mingyu_ helplessly, repeatedly, and mingyu groans jeonghan's name on the older boy's ear. mingyu can feel pain on his scalp and back as jeonghan pulls his hair hard on one hand and scratches his back with the other hand. then pleasure, utter slice of heaven. it's with shudder when jeonghan tensed under him, eyes closed, and he too, releases soon as they look each other in the eye, something about mutual feelings above everything else is there. 

-:-

÷÷

the sky is dark, the streets below already filled with lamps and lights. they're lying side by side, mingyu on his side facing jeonghan, palm supporting his chin. jeonghan's eyes closed and mingyu counts his eyelashes. its fluttering open when mingyu reaches number twenty-two. mingyu pouts, saying jeonghan ruined his counting and jeonghan rolls his eyes, flicks the younger boy on his temple. mingyu rubs the skin, whining and falling to the pillow only to sniff jeonghan's hair. and the older boy sighs in defeat. 

out of the blue, jeonghan asks him, whether he is sure about this. mingyu nods, kissing his hair. hums, 'what about you?' and jeonghan draws a long breath. he looks over the window, saying that he's not built for a relationship, then turns to look at mingyu and mingyu almost, almost opening his mouth to blurt out something stupid. but the older boy stops him with a finger to his lips and a stern look. mingyu pouts again and jeonghan sighs, patting mingyu's cheek. maybe, he says slowly, he will try. and mingyu's chest aches at how jeonghan's eyes is sparkling and how the older boy sounds sincere but also tiny and scared, so mingyu pulls him in a side-hug. jeonghan ruffles his own hair, 'i'm messed up, a lot, i'm sensitive,' he huffs, looking at mingyu, 'but you already know that.' 

mingyu's tightening his hug. we can look past that, he says, even when they can't, it's part of their personalities, what defines them. _what makes him crushing on jeonghan_. mingyu inhales the sweet vanilla scent and mumbles on jeonghan's naked shoulder. 'and i guess i'm worse, but you've put up with me all these years, and-' mingyu's actually feeling _nervous_ , 'i hope for more years to come.' 

jeonghan groans at that, 'oh god. now you're evolving to a sap tree,' but there's no heat on his tone and mingyu is chuckling, embarassed. the older boy then jokes what even does he see in him and mingyu is listing another smart-handsome-beautiful quality that makes jeonghan put his palm over mingyu's face, mingyu pretends to bite him and jeonghan's giggling, endeared.

they fall to another silence but now it's quiet and calming. 'do you really want to be with me?' mingyu asks slowly, he just had this need to ensure everything is not a dream. his fingers playing with jeonghan's hair, making the older boy feels a little bit ticklish on the place its touching. it'll driving him crazy, mingyu says, if he leave it like this. jeonghan looks at him, he doesn't want mingyu to be crazy, he jokes but mingyu's eyebrows furrowed, anxious. jeonghan inhales a deep breath and puts his two fingers to soothe the younger boy's forehead. 'i think so,' he says softly. then mingyu's face gets brighter, smile breaks, a wide one. canines out. he nuzzles on jeonghan's neck, shaking his head, ' _thinking so_ is not enough, hyung. it's either yes or no.' and jeonghan groans, 'i'm regretting this already.' 

mingyu suddenly launches himself above jeonghan, laughing and continue to snuggle onto the older boy's neck like an excited puppy and jeonghan sighs, 'yes, yes. okay? get off, big pup.'

mingyu gets up and looking at jeonghan, smiling so sincere, and jeonghan is secretly flattered knowing _him_ is the reason behind that happy face. 'this will be one hell of a ride,' jeonghan says and mingyu grins, pecks his lips, 'i'm in if you are.'

÷÷

no matter how their relationship is, they are still _jeonghan and mingyu_. the polar opposites, superscripted trademark. their dynamics are still the very same as before. mingyu is still get sulky at times and jeonghan is still as sensitive as ever. sometimes they fight and refuse to talk to each other until their heads are clear enough to talk about their problems, another time they shout at each other until their throats sore. sometimes it's only a matter of hour, sometimes they don't talk for days. but the thing is, they always keep on coming back to each other, talk it out. hug it out. sometimes more.

they also go to dates. fulfill their promises about the garden-hunt and photography project. mingyu goes around taking jeonghan's photo and jeonghan starts to take photo of mingyu too. sometimes it's only one hour drive, sometimes they lost, missed the last train and exploring the night in unknown place. other time they just walking around in itaewon and try new restaurant, balance everything with their schedules and recording. sometimes they have sex, if possible. not something you could conveniently do when there're other occupants in the dorm and being part of the group with killer choreography. sometimes they're just cuddling while playing with their phone or watching netflix. sometimes they're talking over coffee and strawberry milk, having discussion over anything happens in the world or trivial things like new ice cream flavors release. until the topic become nonsense on the late night over the kitchen table. 

they remember birthdays and anniversary by heart but both are shy at big gesture. so they will celebrate with families, friends and members first for the whole day before finally with only two of them at the last minutes of the day. glue with each other before the day ends for them to be the last one staying. saying a _you did good this year, thank you, will need your help too for next year_ , then a kiss. the date is already changed but not their heart. 

they might never really explicitly telling everyone about their relationship. it's not exactly a secret, they just think it's not a big deal to announce. but the other members understand. maybe it's unspoken, but they know that it's there, they know that they're together. mingyu would still get late night snack with dino and the youngest will ask him if jeonghan is also coming. jeonghan would still go out with dokyeom and dokyeom will ask what would mingyu like for takeout. and everytime mingyu and jeonghan go out with joshua, joshua will complain all the time about being a third-wheel and call s.coups over. when the two of them start bickering, other members will roll their eyes, muttering, ugh, couple fight. one member might shout aloud, just kiss already and stop fight, usually it's seungkwan. sometimes they found mingyu is already sleeping on jeonghan's lap hours later and relieved at one possibility of loud fighting is gone. 

÷÷

there’s no warning when one day they realize that they already falling deep in love into each other.

÷

it hits jeonghan on one morning in tokyo, when he wakes up to the sight of mingyu’s naked back, the man is currently folding the blanket while asking him what he wants to eat for breakfast in raspy voice. it’s something that he sees for god knows how many times already, but this morning the sight is making his chest ache. it’s like there’s this tight knot inside, breath taken away from him, and he’s suddenly realized he’s overwhelmingly in love with mingyu. 

jeonghan unconsciously holds his breath until mingyu asks again, a small 'hmm?' and the younger boy turns his head to jeonghan, smiling a little. jeonghan managed to not cry on the spot, or do anything he might regret later like, kissing him, which always turned out longer and deeper than he planned. he pulls mingyu, making the taller boy hugs him. mingyu chuckles a bit later, 'what is it? you had a nightmare?' hand rubbing on his back. it always makes jeonghan relax, but saying those three words is harder than expected. 

he circles his arm to mingyu's waist, head on mingyu's shoulder. his eyes lined up with the beauty mark on mingyu's cheek and he pokes the mole softly, while mouthing _i love you_ inaudibly. mingyu doesn't catch that and jeonghan is smiling, all too happy, and smooches the younger boy on the cheek. he then jumps out of the hug quickly and run to the bathroom. 'i said, good morning, mingyu!' 

÷

while it hits mingyu in the middle of their concert, basked in lights and drowned in screams of their fans. the screen is now showing jeonghan on the other side of the stage, smiling and jumping in the middle of confetti rain. it’s something that he sees for god knows how many times already, but tonight the sight is making his chest ache. it's like something hits him in the chest, air sucked out of him, and he's suddenly realized he’s immensely in love with jeonghan.

mingyu might've standing too long on his spot, frozen a little while looking at the screen, when he supposedly walking to the center stage already. but the live camera changed its main focus to other members and woozi comes running from behind him, tapping him on the back and mingyu snaps out of it. he runs to the stage with this new, sudden realization. everything he loves is here. his members, their fans, their family, their colleagues, and _jeonghan_. the center stage seems very far and it's like he's out of breath, overwhelmed, too happy, he might cry very very soon. 

he doesn't deliberately looking for jeonghan when the thirteen of them lined up for their final bow, or he'll end up run into him and hug him and never let him go again. mingyu keeps telling himself he has time, he will have time. 

÷

it's one late night on one korean grill restaurant in tokyo. over tables of grilled meats and lettuces, bowls of rice and bottles soju and beer. thirteen of them, plus all managers and staffs, are celebrating the successful last day of dome concert. the members will get two weeks of holiday after this before they finally need to work for another album.

jeonghan and mingyu sit next to each other, fingers intertwine under the table and both don't plan to break away anytime soon. they work perfectly like that, jeonghan's glass on his right hand and mingyu's chopstick on his left hand. 

they might not wearing couple clothes. jeonghan's wearing wing couple necklace belong to him and dokyeom and chain couple bracelet with joshua, while mingyu's wearing ring and bracelet gift from hoshi, all because they both love their members so much but cringed at the thought of being sappy couple with each other. even so, it's there, always there, hidden in plain sight. sometimes small and unnoticed. love marks. that they belong to each other, committed to each other. 

they might not seem like doing couplish things. but it's there. overlooked by passerbys. in a simple nudge on the shoulder, small whisper on the ear and when they look at each other, _the heart eyes_. it's all there in their own language. they are in love. 

they are happy.

-:-

(fin.)

**Author's Note:**

> i love gyuhan with all my heart. i hope you do too ❤️
> 
> i’m currently updating ‘give you a call’ chapter 2, cross-finger, it’ll out soon. 
> 
> talk to me please? i swear i won’t bite. i’m @cakequila on twitter (yes i changed my twitter handle :D)


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